New Year, New Promises to Break

Like every other person on this planet (except for those filthy Eskimos), I have made a vow to change my life for the better starting this year. This of course involves ending bad habits and starting better ones. Here's my list of Do's and Don't for 2009 that I will probably follow up until Groundhogs day (fourth biggest drinking day of the year after St. Pat's, New Year's and Arbor Day). In no particular order:

• Eat better! Meaning more salads like pasta and egg and stop eating trash. Literally, trash. After choking on a bottle cap and slicing my tongue on a can lid, I will no longer take dietary advice from my dog.
• Stop smoking and finally switch to Skoal. Be healthy and classy at the same time.
• Stop terrorizing the fat kids in the neighborhood. Nothing is better than chasing a pudgy little meat sack in your Nissan as you throw frozen Twinkies at it. But it's time to end this activity. It's not very mature and also not very legal.
  
• No more morning drinking. Nothing before "The Price is Right" . Tough but sensible.
  
• NO MORE CLOWN PORN! All it does is give me nightmares. It's just hypnotizing. Like watching a retard in a bouncy moon castle thing.
• Stop renting a bouncy moon castle thing and filling with the local retards. It's just too expensive.
• Stop breaking into my senile neighbors house, hide in his attic and pretend to be his dead wife's ghost.
• Find me a normal girl who does not use mace or get stabby.
  
• Black tar heroin!

Let's see how many I keep.